21 February 2013

he rescues

It's so easy to be numb.

And I began to get scared that I was too numb,
so I sat on the porch of an empty cabin in the rain,
and prayed.

You want to go on a retreat and have happy smiley experiences,
and I was crying.

Why God?
Where are you in all this broken?
What are you doing?

And you don't want to question,
because it feels like you're questioning His goodness,
but still.
I am made to ask questions.

The weight,
the pain.....
it overwhelmed.

Can I be honest?
It's been hard to hear Him over the rush these last few months.
I've really had to be ever so still,
listen hard,
to catch a whisper.

So as I sat their and prayed out my anger
and frustration,
and fear,
and confusion,

I heard the faintest nudge to Psalms.

The first psalm I turned to?
Psalm 10. Do you know how it begins?

Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

To see that someone else felt the same....
to see that he was willing to be honest...
what a grace.

And I flipped pages,
and what came up?

In my distress I called upon the Lord;
to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth reeled and rocked;
the foundations also of the mountains trembled
and quaked, because he was angry.
 Smoke went up from his nostrils
    and devouring fire from his mouth;
glowing coals flamed forth from him.
 He bowed the heavens and came down....
  He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.

He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
 He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
{Part of Psalm 18}
He heard me!
And He answered.  

He walked into the dark with me,
and is beside me.
The other thing?
Coming into the retreat,
over and over again in my head were the words
"I will never love you any more or love you any less than I do right now."
Also, at the camp in the mountains?
A secure feeling.
The feeling of being held,
Before I began to talk to Him about it all.

He is so gentle with me.

And now I understand-
it's okay to voice pain,
and anger-
one of the lovely women told me that
all this pain is why God hates sin so much.

It breaks His heart.

Our pain in watching the broken?
It's simply a glimpse of His pain.

I am so secure in that,
because I know He hears,
and I see He does something to answer me.

He is good.

All is grace, friends.
All is grace.



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